MATCH.DOG

By Rosalie Capri

So there I was again; another dinner date. The bread had not even hit the table yet, and my mind started wandering. I tried to give the poor slob a chance, but it was fast becoming a lost cause and boredom began to set in. Sitting across the table from whom I was sure was a former two-time-salad-bar-eating champion, the questions started in.

What the hell am I doing here? I could be home relaxing with a good book and playing with my dogs. I look up at my date and notice blue cheese dressing dripping from his chin. At that moment, I knew it was time I start reviewing the answer to the question that has passed from every single woman’s lips: I shaved my legs for this?

Why do we women continue to endure this torture? It’s either time for some good rationalizations, or we need to discover the meaning behind this mating madness. First, lets delve into some of the top 10 reasons why we continue our quest for Mr. Right:

1. SECURITY: Ah, yes, even in today’s society, we women still yearn for the comfort of a strong man lying next to us at night, leaving us with that safe and warm feeling. My reply to this of course is: I have two warm and extremely furry dogs that will snuggle under the covers with me. As for the safe part, my trained attack Maltese “Bogey” assures me that he will make a “Happy Meal” out of any unwelcome late night caller who makes a move toward his stash of bones. Also, being a former police department employee, I have a nice invention from my pals “Smith and Wesson” that is loaded with enough ammo to deter even the most lovesick intruder. That shoots this romantic theory full of holes.

2. COMPANIONSHIP: This is another good argument for having to listen to his extremely bad jokes or having to resist that temptation to dunk his head in his onion soup if he looks at my chest one more time. Well then, if it is companionship you want, let me tell you a little more about my dogs. When I come home, they are standing at the door, wagging their tails and bathing me in wet kisses. They are not asking me, “Do you know what time it is? Where have you been? What did you do to your hair? Do you really need another pair of shoes?” I rest my case on this one.

3. SEX: This is not a complicated one. Occasionally, sex is best ordered from the “a la carte” menu. No need to suffer thru boring dinner conversation or an overdone steak. There are times when a girl just wants desert (aka “booty call”). And for the more adventurous types, I would skip the whipped cream and go with a side of battery operated toys. (I think we all know what I’m referring to.)

4. LOVE: OK, I admit this is a tough one to argue, so let’s weigh the pros and cons. What exactly does the male species bring to the table?

MEN’S PROS:

• No marking of his territory while visiting friends. This is an important quality to have. Many dog owners are all too familiar with how embarrassing this situation can be.

• They are already potty trained. This comes in handy especially during those visits back home to meet mom and dad.

MEN’S CONS:

• Men’s listening skills seem to take a direct hit when they are involved in a romantic relationship. For example, when you talk to your dog, their ears usually perk up, their eyes seem to widen and they do that cute move where they tilt their head to one side. All of these signals indicate that they really are interested in hearing about how the Starbucks barista screwed up your latte. Or about the great deal you got on that designer purse and matching pumps. This canine attentiveness definitely trumps any man’s “deer in the headlights” look or those trance induced replies such as “Uh huh really.” (A personal favorite of many of my single female friends.)

• Obedience training can be an issue. Many men don’t respond well to commands such as “sit” or “stay”. Which means a command such as “go fetch” that engagement ring we saw at Tiffany’s last night, could be met with some resistance, especially if you’re dealing with an Alpha Dog. Ladies this is where a strategic reward system comes in handy. If used correctly this system is an excellent performance motivator.

• Never satisfied with just a belly rub and a bone. (I’m still on the fence with this one. There are days when this could be listed as a pro. For more clarification on this see my notes under section 3 titled “Sex”)

Meanwhile back at the restaurant as I finished off my third glass of wine which was proving to be the highlight of my evening, the waiter brought a large white bag to our table. With a gleam in his eye, my date smiled at me, handed me the bag and said, “Here, I thought you would like to bring something home to your dogs. You’ve mentioned them quite a few times tonight. I have two dogs myself. I find they are great companions. Before our date tonight, I was actually thinking of spending more time with them instead of dating women. I guess that is a crazy way of thinking.”

Just then, I looked up at my blue cheese king and thought to myself, did he have those cute dimples all night? Then it dawned on me, maybe I could learn to like blue cheese dressing. Was it the wine or was this guy looking more like possible soul mate material? Oh, what the hell, I will bring him home and let the dogs decide.

WOOF WOOF